At the center of the turmoil is one concrete statement that I feel certain of. Heavy Rain is a thrilling, unique title that tries to bring something new to the table and almost manages to succeed, but that ultimately has too many problems to recommend without reservations. 

Its strengths will be enough to make a certain type of gamer fall madly in love with it, and rightfully so. It makes a valiant attempt to push gaming forward by introducing stronger characters and narrative influence into the typically juvenile gaming landscape. 

Unfortunately, having a noble concept is not enough to qualify you as a success. Execution is key, and here Heavy Rain stumbles. Most will find a litany of problems that mar what could otherwise have been a terrific experience.

Is ModNation Racers better than Mario Kart?

After all, Sony’s newest kart racer is clearly lusting after the throne. They have set out to infuse the user-created madness of LittleBigPlanet with the core kart racing gameplay of the king of the genre, Mario Kart.

Have they done it? Has the king been dethroned?

Sadly, in a plot twist straight out of a bad sports movie, ModNation Racers came within ten feet of being the king of the hill and then tripped over its own feet and rolled all the way back down to the bottom.

The Internet overfloweth with reports of this title’s many misfortunes. From a cast of characters filled with one too many jackasses to a difficulty curve overly fond of the comforting right angles of the good old brick wall to a level designer seemingly infatuated with tubes, Final Fantasy XIII is, shall we say, less than perfect.

My final verdict on the game will have to wait, and it will have to wait quite a while because this is a long, difficult game.

But I have discovered something recently. As per my usual habits, I had gotten distracted from my Final Fantasy-ing for a few days, having briefly put it aside to play some Super Street Fighter IV online, play around with some Rabbids that arrived from GameFly, and even do a couple of things that didn’t involve holding a controller.

I picked it back up today after deciding that, with so many terrific games coming out right around now, I needed to get Final Fantasy XIII out of the way so I could move onto something else with a clear conscience.

So, in an effort to clear my calendar (and just to get it out of the way) I put Final Fantasy XIII back in my PS3 and got back to the grind.

That’s when it occurred to me. I now know what my biggest issue with this game is, and it isn’t any of the things I thought it would be.

What’s amazing is that this rather predictable Hollywood remake, this dumbing down of a classic figure of literature, actually manages to be thoroughly entertaining. Well, so long as you set your expectations correctly.

It would be fair to say that I know next to nothing about Sherlock Holmes save useless generalities. Even so, I know enough to say with a great deal of confidence that little effort at all was made in this adaptation to create a version of Sherlock Holmes that resembled the original even in the slightest. 

This movie features a remarkably smart British man who has a penchant for solving mysteries. If that’s all you need to believe a character is Sherlock Holmes then you should be right at home. For most it’s going to be a bit of a hard sell. His sarcastic wit, inexplicably superb fighting skill, and handsomely young appearance that one could politely say didn’t quite fit my initial expectation for the character make for a Sherlock Holmes that fits conveniently well into the ridiculous story he’s plopped into.

Instead, something about it just feels off.

The first Katamari was genuinely clever and original. Enough time has passed since then, with enough derivative sequels passing through Namco’s pipeline, that it has become impossible to ignore the fact that the foundations of Katamari have not changed in six years.  

This isn’t the good kind of stagnation that Nintendo has down to an art form. This isn’t a case of preserving the essence of what made the original fun and simply delivering more of that with a few tweaks to keep it fresh. 

Katamari Forever is a clear demonstration of how delicate Nintendo’s rehashing really is. Too few new features, too many sequels, too little time between games, and countless other factors threaten to spoil the experience. To get away with making the same game over and over again, developers must tread carefully. Namco has eschewed their responsibility as caretaker of the Katamari franchise’s good name. I am of course not entirely serious when I say Nintendo is “making the same game over and over again”, but Namco is coming frighteningly close. 

I mean, come on. It's Street Fighter! On the iPhone! We are talking about a fighting game that represents the ultimate in precision controls, precise timing, and skillful input. Slapping a game like that onto a portable device with no physical buttons should be nothing short of blasphemous.

But yet, here we are. Street Fighter has been released for Apple's touchscreen device, and it doesn't suck. Color me surprised.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that I’m vastly more intelligent than everyone else I’ve ever met. 

I mean, obviously. 

So it stands to reason that my opinion is the only one that actually matters. You’re welcome to consider it pretty much the textbook that defines our world. I highly encourage you to compare your own opinions to mine and see where you’re wrong. There are bound to be plenty of areas in which your opinion needs correcting, and nobody wants you to look like a misguided fool by showing the public that you disagree with me.

Maybe I should provide a handy checklist.

Nah, that would probably take too long.

Anyhow, I have recently had an amazing revelation that I knew I just had to share with the world. It has changed the way I view both art and entertainment. It has altered how I perceive the world around me. It had added an entirely new category onto the list of things which I do not understand and therefore rightfully despise. 

More importantly, it has kept me from having to waste any of my precious time watching those blasted moving picture thingamajigs. Anyone who spends their time watching fake people do fake things in a fake world according to the whim of some poor joke of a “writer”, who probably spends most of his meager salary on brownies and marijuana that he consumes in rabid binges while pretending that he doesn’t need any of that “human contact” that he’s heard so much about, is clearly a moron.

Here we go again.

Chapter Thirteen

Alternate motive: “Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon.”

This had nothing to do with his stupidly shiny skin, of course. I just find his gorgeous arm hair absolutely fascinating for some reason.

Get the shovel!: “His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.”

Thar be diamonds in that there skin! Get the shovels, boys! We’re going on a mining expedition. That boy oughta be worth millions.

MILLIONS, I SAY! Muahahaha!

I'm not debating a word of any of that. In fact, that last bit about the updated gameplay is precisely why I wish the game had managed to do the impossible and actually land on store shelves.

See, I've noticed a disturbing trend in first person shooter games lately. With every new release comes more boring space Marines, more sickening trips through fake World War II games glorifying a horrible war, and more games for us to bring the maddening trend of realism in their gameplay design.

Why is it, exactly, that the interactive entertainment industry has such a self-confidence problem that it feels the need to invoke a term that implies that, to be worthy of note, games must ape the best qualities of movies instead of playing to their own strengths?

The term always makes me think of franchises like Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid; games that are known for being as much non-interactive cutscene as they are actual gameplay. Or it might conjure the image of Devil May Cry or others of its ilk that seem to revel in taking the coolest moments out of the player’s control and placing them in movies, as if afraid letting the player have fun would have spoiled the cool action movie moment the developers had in mind.