Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Sixteen)

After a number of breaks, both intentional and otherwise, I’m finally back, rested, out of the hospital, and ready to get this blog back on track.  Without further ado:

Chapter Ten (continued)

Lack of coherence: ‘“As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you.’

‘I know,’ he sighed, brooding.”

Either Steph doesn’t know what brooding is or Edward is sulking and being unhappy about something that actually makes him happy, causing some sort of emo-rift in the time-space continuum.  

Or Edward is just being his normal, poorly written, completely baffling, inconsistent self.

Probably that last one.

Troubling signs: You know, if it didn’t happen so often maybe I would be less worried, but I can’t help notice that Edward is displaying what you might call rather clear signs of being a frighteningly fierce control freak.

During their lunchtime conversation, Bella shows only a slight hint of disobeying his all-important will and “his eyes were suddenly fierce” and “he exhaled angrily and looked away”.  

He turns into a pissed-off three-year-old every time he doesn’t get his way.

I’m not exactly an expert on these matters, but this does not look to me like it is sowing the seeds for a healthy relationship.

Sibling rivalry: “As I cast my eyes around the room, I caught the eyes of his sister, Alice, staring at me. The others were looking at Edward.”

What, is she afraid of a little competition?  

Can’t these freaks mind their own business and let their freak of a brother get his freak on with Bella the little emo freak?

That familiar face: "’Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend... to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears.’

[Edward] stared at me as if I was missing something very obvious.”

I’m guessing that’s a look he gives you on a fairly regular basis.  

Honestly, I think you might just want to get used to it, Bella.  You certainly don’t seem to be catching on any quicker.  

Mmmm... delicious forest animals: "’Bears?’ I repeated with difficulty.

‘Grizzly is Emmett's favorite.’”

As funny as this line is on its own, it took me a minute to realize that, in addition to being humorous, it also doesn’t make any sense.  

Well, unless grizzly bear blood happens to taste wildly different from black bear blood.  

Come to think of it, for all I know it might.  I think maybe I’ll just try not to think about it too hard.

He murders kitties!: "’So... what's your favorite?’

He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval. ‘Mountain lion.’"

Dude!  That’s an endangered species!  

Edward’s favorite food is an animal dangerously close to being wiped off of the face of the earth by humans, even without the help of slobbering, self-interested vampires.  

Control your appetite, man.

On the other hand, if the mountain lions do disappear we can just blame it on the vampires and erase our own blame.

Hey, everyone needs a good scapegoat.

Mmmm...  scapegoat.  Sounds tasty.

Sick pleasure: "’Early spring is Emmett's favorite bear season — they're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable.’

‘Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear,’ I agreed, nodding.”

There’s just no way around it.  Edward and Bella make one hell of a fucked up couple.  

Weirdos.

Chapter Eleven (finally)

Beautiful nostalgia: “Mr. Banner backed into the room then ... pulling [sic] a tall metal frame on wheels that held a heavy-looking, outdated TV and VCR. A movie day — the lift in the class atmosphere was almost tangible.”

After all the terrible things this book has done to me, it finally gives me something decidedly pleasurable: nostalgia for the good old movie day.  

It didn’t matter how terrifically boring the movie was.  Back in the day, just the sight of an old, busted TV like that made the day instantly better.  Having to take notes on it always sucked, but even that was infinitely better than actually having to listen to the teacher.

Ah, the good old days.

Call the electrician: “And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me...”

He had stuck my finger in the nearby electrical socket when I wasn’t looking.  I guess he thought it would make things easier for him if he just fried me now and got me out of his way.

He’s just wonderful that way.

I couldn’t wait to see his disappointed smirk when he walked into the emergency room and saw that I was still alive.  

He was such a beautiful face when he’s brooding.

*Swoon*

Public service announcement: “A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.”

This, boys and girls, is a perfect example of a classic case of unhealthy obsession.  

Yes, Bella, you are indeed losing your mind.

If you or anyone you know begins to display signs of unhealthy obsession, please call our toll free hotline at 1-800-CRAZYBITCH and one of our trained volunteer staff members will do their best to bring you out of your frighteningly obsessed stupor by slapping you upside the head multiple times until you come out of your daze and realize that you have a serious problem and need to come back down to earth before you throw your life away on some crazy whim.

Act now.  It may not be too late.

Except for Bella.  Clearly she’s a hopeless case at this point.

Don’t be like Bella.  

Job theft: “[Edward] grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.”

Steph is stealing my job away from me.  This isn’t the first time she’s commented on the stupidity of her own character’s reactions within the text of her own story.

I could almost swear she knows how bad her writing really is and is just toying with me.

Poke?: “The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade...”

Poke.  Poke.  Poke.

Come on.  You know you want to.

...

Oh, that kind of touching.  

I see.

Speechless: Okay, seriously, I’m just going to let this last bit of text stand on its own.  I think it may be the worst couple of paragraphs I’ve ever read in my entire life.

No joke.

Read it for yourself, if you dare.  You’ll see what I mean.

“I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.

He raised his hand, hesitant, conflict raging in his eyes, and then swiftly brushed the length of my cheekbone with his fingertips. His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.”

Jesus Christ, Bella!  You’re just leaving him to go to gym class, not seeing leave on a boat to fight in World War II.

Settle down.  Damn.

Queen of the melodrama, this one.

I said I was going to let this one stand on its own didn’t I?

Oh well.

Continue to Part Seventeen