Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Twenty-One)

Wow. I had forgotten what a horrible, unforgivable cliffhanger I ended on last time. Oops. Sorry about that. Well, without further ado. 

Here we go again.

Chapter Thirteen

Alternate motive: “Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon.”

This had nothing to do with his stupidly shiny skin, of course. I just find his gorgeous arm hair absolutely fascinating for some reason.

Get the shovel!: “His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.”

Thar be diamonds in that there skin! Get the shovels, boys! We’re going on a mining expedition. That boy oughta be worth millions.

MILLIONS, I SAY! Muahahaha!

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Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Twenty)

Chapter Twelve (continued)

Beware of dryer lint: “‘I promise to try to be safe,’ I recited. ‘I'll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril.’”

Obviously she hasn’t looked in her laundry hamper in a long time. Yeesh. She’s in for a rougher time than she thinks.

Dirty, dirty girl.

Skeleton fetish: “He reached across the table to touch my face, lightly brushing along my cheekbone again.”

Is it just me, or does Steph have a penchant for unsettlingly creepy descriptions of what should be tender moments? 

You stroke someone’s cheek, not their cheekbone. If you’re stroking a cheekbone it’s more likely you’re worried about their eating disorder than trying to cuddle with them.

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Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Nineteen)

 

Chapter Twelve

Incoming threat: Beware, as a new villain enters the fray: An old obese guy that has to get around via wheelchair.

Scary indeed.

Ok, actually I have no idea what his story role is just yet to be honest, but he was certainly introduced as the spooky villain type, so I’m just going to run with it until told otherwise because I find it amusing.

Try harder: “[Billy’s, a.k.a. the obese dude’s] dark eyes flashed up to me again, their expression unreadable.”

But you’re so good at reading eyes! You’ve been practicing this whole book so far. Practically every other sentence is you reading some inane expression in someone’s eyes.

Is something the matter? Are you not feeling well? You can tell me. It’s ok. I know you’re capable of this. Just concentrate and try again. We’ll get through this together.

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Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Eighteen)

Chapter Eleven (continued)

Need-to-know basis: Seriously. I really want to know. What possible, freakish reason could Edward have to want know Bella’s favorite gemstone?

Yeah, she pulls her usual “easily embarrassed by the weirdest details” routine and admits she switched her favorite gemstone to topaz recently because it’s the current color of his eyes, a conversation piece that’s interesting enough in its own right, but her unhealthy obsession isn’t the issue here (for once).

Why did he ask her in the first place?

Is he starting some kind of Bella Journal where he keeps every last detail of her existence written down in case he forgets something?

“Oh crap. I forgot our anniversary again. Wait! I’ll consult the Bella Journal! And I’ll look up her favorite food and jewelry types to plan our dinner and her present while I’m at it. It’s like I don’t even need my memory anymore. I’m totally a genius.”

Forgetful comedy fathers in sitcoms everywhere could really take a lesson from Edward here. It’s not exactly subtle, but it might at least avoid some of those oh-so-wacky misunderstandings.

Irrational desires: “I leaned forward on the table, resting my chin on my folded arms, my hidden fingers gripping the table's edge as I fought to ignore the irrational longing that unsettled me.”

Never before have I had such a strong desire to do jumping jacks. I couldn’t explain it. I only knew that it was taking every ounce of strength within me to keep from springing to my feet in the middle of the classroom and bursting into a vigorous session of exercise, right there in front of everybody. The urges worried me. I normally don’t even like doing jumping jacks, but I’ll be damned if, right then and there, they weren’t my number one desire in the entire world.

Unbalanced ratio: If I recall correctly, when it was Bella’s “turn” to ask questions to Edward she got to ask a few scant questions before he got violently angry and threw her out of the car while speeding down the highway.

Or something.

Now that it’s Edward’s turn to ask questions, he’s bombarding her with enough material to fill a feature-length magazine article, albeit an unbelievably boring one. Questions all day at school and “hours” spent talking in front of Bella’s house afterward.

How about some balance in this relationship, eh?

Jerk.

Shut-in: “I tried to describe impossible things like the scent of creosote … the high, keening sound of the cicadas in July, the feathery barrenness of the trees, the very size of the sky...”

Here’s an impossible thing I’d like you try and describe: Why someone that’s as old as whatever the bloody hell Edward’s age actually is (I tend to forget he’s actually pretty ancient – the story’s creepy enough already without that thrown into the mix) needs to have the entire world described to him in detail by a teenager. Has he just not been paying attention? Does he have a really bad memory? What’s going on here?

OMG: “The hardest thing to explain was why it was so beautiful to me — to justify a beauty that didn't depend on the sparse, spiny vegetation that often looked half dead, a beauty that had more to do with the exposed shape of the land, with the shallow bowls of valleys between the craggy hills, and the way they held on to the sun.”

You know, at the very beginning of the mind-numbing project, I stated that I would try to be objective and that I would try to comment on both the good and the bad of what I came across while reading this terrible, terrible book.

To this point, I haven’t really had much to show for the former part of my promise. I’ve found enough bad to fill, oh, roughly eighteen installments of a scathing satirical feature, but nothing good. No diamonds in the rough for me.

The above passage is, by far and away, the best sentence I have yet found in the entire book. It might even be able to pass for decent writing, slightly moving even, were it not buried in the proverbial pile of crap that is the rest of this book.

Color me ever so slightly impressed. It’s not much, but I honestly didn’t think Steph had even this much in her.

I just thought, in the interest of fairness and honoring my original mission statement, that this was worth passing along.

I wouldn’t get used to it if I were you.

Hardy har har: “’How late is it?’ I wondered out loud as I glanced at the clock.

‘It’s twilight,’ Edward murmured…”

HA!

HA HA!

SHE USED THE NAME OF THE BOOK! IN DIALOG! NO WRITER HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!

Best. Writer. Ever.

Amiright?

Ever-changing sunlight: Edward: “’Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?’"

Totally. Not like that stupid sun. Always being all “bright” or “not quite as bright”.

Make up your damn mind, sun! We’re tired of your trickery and deception!

Silly light pollution: Bella: “’I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars.’ I frowned. ‘Not that you see them here much.’

[Edward] laughed, and the mood abruptly lightened.”

I can relate. I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t help myself from bursting into fits of uncontrollable laughter every time I think about one of the myriad ways mankind is ruining the planet.

It’s just so gosh-darn hilarious.

Try bringing it up at a party sometime. Instant ice-breaker.

Awkward human movement, lesson #1: “[Edward] flung the door open in one swift movement, and then moved, almost cringed, swiftly away from me.”

Edward cringed away from her?

Steph, I don’t think you’re allowed to use that word as verb that way…

I know there’s artistic license and all, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

Plus, you know, you shouldn’t be allowed artistic license. Because, well, you’re not an artist.

More of an untalented hack, really.

So cringing is not a form of movement, got it?

Also: you pulled the “almost” thing again. Did Edward do some weird form of movement that was almost a cringe but not quite and this is just your lazy way of describing it? Did you use your crazy mind powers to know that he was about to cringe but decided not to?

Details like this are important.

He’s melting!: “In the passenger seat was a much older man, a heavyset man with a memorable face — a face that overflowed, the cheeks resting against his shoulders…”

Oh eww. Eww eww eww. That’s disgusting.

Is his face melting off or what? That is not a natural way for a face to be.

Lessons in nonsensical character description:  Think after all this time you’ve developed a sort of immunity to Steph’s weird brand of inane, self-contradictory character descriptions?

I did too. Until I read this:

“And the surprisingly familiar eyes, black eyes that seemed at the same time both too young and too ancient for the broad face they were set in.”

I think that might be a new low.

Continue to Part Nineteen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Fourteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

We rejoin our giggling schoolgirls as they discuss just how awesome Edward's face is. I know, completely unprecedented.

Chameleon face: "'I mean, do you really like him?' [Jessica] urged.
'Yes,' I said again, blushing.
She'd had enough with the single syllable answers. 'How much do you like him?'
'Too much,' I whispered back. 'More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that.' I sighed, one blush blending into the next."

Steph's version of the human anatomy continues to surprise me. Through her I find out that not only can a face produce two completely separate, distinguishable blushes, but also has the ability to blend the two together into one... MegaBlush, if you will.

I didn't even think you could accurately tell when you were blushing, much less control them and put on a little light show in your cheeks for everyone watching.

Very impressive, Bella.

Over-analyzation: "'In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night,' I told [Jessica].
... 'Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!'
We spent the rest of the walk dissecting sentence structures and most of Spanish on a minute description of Mike's facial expressions."

How sad is it that after all of the needless, plodding conversations I've been dragged through in this book that sounded as if they came straight out of an eleven-year-old's first diary, that this is what I consider an impressive display of brevity in Twilight?

I'm happy when she sees fit to describe the gag-worthy, sleep-inducing material rather than show me every last bit of it.

I hesitate to call it an improvement, but what other word is there that describes something that is less painful, but still decidedly terrible?

Very Zeus-like: "But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me."

I don't really remember seeing "look like a Greek god" in the Bill of Rights, but perhaps I just missed something.

It has been a while since I've looked it over.

An overprotective nature?: "[Edward] led the way into the [lunch] line, still not speaking, though his eyes returned to my face every few seconds, their expression speculative."

Is she still there?

Oh, okay.

Is she still there??

Oh, okay.

Is she still there???

Oh, okay.

OH MY GOD SHE'S NOT THERE ANYMORE! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?

Oh wait, there she is.

Battle of the emotions, round 27: "It seemed to me that irritation was winning out over amusement as the dominant emotion in his face."

In the right corner, standing next to the earlobe, it's Irritation. He's had a long road here, folks, but he's ready for action now. Look at those bulging muscles, built up over time from the impulsive clenching and flexing and tensing that comes with being terribly annoyed. I certainly know the feeling, folks. This emotion's going to be a tough one to beat.

But if anyone can do it, it's Amusement. Indeed ladies and gentlemen, he may not look like much, but his lean frame and gangly build allow him to be as evasive as Edward answering a question. His constant, annoying half-smirk is enough to drive most of his opponents into madness. It's best not to look directly into his face.

We're just about ready to start this fight ladies and gentlemen. It should be a good one.

But wait! Who do we have here? Coming in unexpectedly from the general area of the nose, it's Utter Boredom! His derisive sneer and massive yawn have bested every other emotion in his division! Has this just turned into a three way fight for Edward's face? I believe it has, and I've never seen anything quite like it.

This is going to be one hell of a fight folks.

Contextualization is key: "'If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?' [Edward] asked condescendingly.
I wrinkled my nose. 'I did once… on a dare,' I admitted. 'It wasn't so bad.'"

This quote is vastly more amusing out of context, isn't it? Take my word for it. Just bask in the weirdness and don't worry about it what the hell they're actually talking about.

It's not important anyway.

In full agreement: "The mention of Jessica brought a hint of [Edward's] former irritation back to his features."

For once I can say without even the slightest hesitation that I agree with Edward completely.

I don't expect that will happen too often.

From the garbage bin to printed page: "His voice was husky, and he glanced up from under his lashes with troubled eyes."

Oh, eew. Eeeeeeeew.

I'll be damned if this doesn't sound like it was pulled straight out of a Harlequin novel, and in the worst possible way.

Not that the caliber of her writing is typically much above that level anyway....

Taking creepy to a new level: "'... I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking.'
'You did,' [Edward] agreed, but his voice was still rough. 'You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything.'"

Boy, you're moving this relationship along rather fast, aren't you?

Edward sounds like the perfect guy to date if you've always wanted to know what it would be like to date Big Brother from Nineteen Eighty-Four.

I mean, wow. There are just so many wonderful adjectives you can throw at that statement. Abusive. Creepy. Controlling. Creepy. Greedy. Creepy. Selfish. Creepy.

Creepy.

I have no words: "'You're doing it again,' I muttered.
[Edward's] eyes opened wide with surprise. 'What?'
'Dazzling me,' I admitted, trying to concentrate as I looked back at him.
'Oh.' He frowned.
'It's not your fault,' I sighed. 'You can't help it.'"

...

...

Oh. My. God.

See, I had been led to believe this whole time that Edward was the creepy one.

I believe I might have been mistaken.

Final thoughts: I’ve heard from outside sources that Edward and Bella’s relationship is sort of an abusive, unhealthy one, and boy is that ever beginning to become startlingly obvious in this chapter.

Both characters are turning into obsessive freak shows. Bella’s fixation with Edward is clearly not normal, for starters. And Edward is showing distinct signs of being a controlling, constantly irritated, angry, abusive partner.

This is not going anywhere good.

Continue to Part Fifteen